Pitiful dreams of crystal like happiness
by blurgedy
Summary: Begins during the anime at the start of the chunin exams, which are interrupted by the awakening of a horrific evil long thought sealed away. Now it's up to the Shinobi of the hidden leaf village to stop it. but what of the other villages? will they cast aside their differences and come to the leaf village's aid for the sake of the world, or let it die for the sake of a long grudge
1. Chapter 1

harharharharharhar this is a naruto fanfic readers!

That means that it's a fanfic about naruto!

Naruto is an orange jumpsuit wearing ninja from a show called Naruto!

This fanfic is also about the show! Only not because it's a different story! Meaning stuff happens differently! But it's still cool! Oh, it starts at the start of the chunin exams but bad things happen and so the chunin exams don't start! Yeah. So anyway.

Disclaimer: I don't own naruto the aforementioned show, or naruto the aforementioned crazy orange jumpsuit wearing ninja.

"Grrr!" growled Kankuro, angrying at Konohamure(Author's note: I can't remember how to spell his name, sorry! ROFLMAO!) while Sasuke, Sakura and Naruto were angrying at him.

"Grrr!" growled Gaara at Kankuro, who promptly got scared and stopped angrying. "If you don't stop embarrassing me I'll crush you to death with my evil satanic sand powers."

"I'msorrygaarai'mstupidfordoingitandit'llneverhappenagainplzdon'tcrushmetodeathwithyourevilsatanicsandpowersagainkthx," Kankuro begged.

"Grrr!" growled Gaara, "See that it doesn't!"

Then suddenly a mighty demon mole ripped open a hole in the ground and growled at everyone angrily because it was angry.

"OH NOES! A MIGHTY DEMON MOLE RIPPED OPEN A HOLE IN THE GROUND AND GROWLED AT EVERYONE ANGRILY BECAUSE IT'S ANGRY!" everyone screamed in terror, but then Kakashi suddenly remembered he was a ninja and laser blasted it with his sharingan eye. And then Gaara and Sasuke remembered they were ninjas too and Sasuke started blasting it with his Sharingan eyes and Gaara started using his evil satanic sand powers on it and there a big giant cloud of smoke and they all stood there to see if it died, and when the smoke cleared it was standing there still alive so it was all "RAWR!" but then Naruto remembered he was a ninja and punched it in the face and it died cause it was weak from all the sharingan laser blasts and Gaara's evil satanic sand powers.

"HAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH! YOUR ATTACKS DIDN'T KILL IT BUT MINE DID I'M BETTER THAN ALL OF YOU AND AWESOME AND THEY SHOULD MAKE ME THE HOKAGE NOW!" Naruto stooped because he was thingking of the 5th hokage deciding hi might as well just give naruto his stupid looking hat right now.

And then the 5th hokage showed up. And he was all "Was that a mighty demon mole?"

"Yep," Said Kakashi.

"Well that's just terrific, we're gonna have to figure out why a mighty demon mole was here before we start the chunin exams!" 

"What's a chunin exam?" Naruto asked.

"YOU STUPID MORONIC IDIOT WITH PICKLE RELISH FOR A BRAIN! DON'T YOU KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT ANYTHING?!" Kankuro asked, "THE CHUNIN EXAMS ARE BEING HELD HERE OR THEY WERE SUPPOSED TO BE! CLEARLY LEAF VILLAGE NINJA ARE STUPID AND RETARDED AND THE HOKAGE HERE MUST BE AN IDIOTIC OLD MAN!"

Then the 5th hokage got pissed because he was the hokage and he was sensitive about being an idiotic old man and also he also got pissed because he likes naruto and wishes everyone would stop being a big smelly jackass to him and kicked kankuro in the testicles angrily. And Kankuro died of broken testicles.

"So anyway, I'm gonna go crystal ball this shit and figure out what the heck is going on around here. The mighty demon mole is now an s-rank secret. No one's allowed to talk about it or an ANBU black op will kidnap and torture them until they beg to be killed and then kill them, k?" the fourth hokage said casually.

"Okie dokey smokie bear," said everyone. And then everyone went to bed. And sakura snuck into sasuke's room in the middle of the night and started humping his leg, so sasuke got pissed and threw her into the mount rushmore hokage thingy.

And then when everybody woke up kakashi was waiting for them already because he's always punctual. And kakashi got all huffy and snooty because everyone was late and it was a village meeting but they was all like "Kakashi, You got here too many hours early. You're only supposed to be .25 hours early for town meetings you dunderhead!"

"Wait!" screamed Naruto, "He's never early! He's always hours and hours late! BELIEVE IT!"

"Hey! He's right," Sakura believed, and everyone started glaring at "Kakashi."

"Damn it! This disguise sucked, alright fine, I'm actually a mighty demon mole, " Said the fake Kakashi, "The real kakashi was captured a long time ago!"

"Cool! I already knew that," said Sasuke suddenly, smirking "So, see? I, Sasuke is awesome!"

"Oh Sasuke, you're so awesome," said Sakura, grabbing Sasuke and humping his leg and generally being a dumb fangirl.

"Cut it out!" said sasuke, thwacking Sakura soundly upon the cranium. "I knew because of my awesome shinigami eyes. 3 months ago I used the sharingan to notice a Mighty Demon Mole drag the real kakashi underground. Fortunately we each used our sahazralen eyes to see into each others mind and be all, secret elaborate plannificationness and be like, tricky and stuff."

"WHAT?!" screamed the mighty demon mole. "But that would mean that you came up with some secret elaborate palm with your sorcerickimoky eyes!"

"I just said that," Sasuke said and he was extremely miffed when he said it because he had to repeat himself and the fact that he had to repeat himself made him extremely miffed because people don't like repeating themselves. "Yes, my mighty Sakura eyes devised a secret elaborate plan with kakashi's sharingan eyes' help."

"Oh yeah? Well us mighty demon moles will capture and kidnap you and torture you and figure out what your secret elaborate plan is!" said the mighty demon mole and another mighty demon mole jumped up and kidnapped him and dragged him away.

"NOOOOOOOOOEEEEEEEESSSSSSSSSSS!" Screamed sakura and naturo together and beat the crap out of the kakashi mighty demon mole. They were angry at it. And then it died because they beat the crap out of it and sakura was all "Naruto, why did you kill it, we should have toruted it to find out where it took sasuke!" "I didn't see you holding back, believe it!" said naruto, "Yeah but I'm an idiotic lovestruck teenage girl, you can't expect me to not want to kill it!" Sakura yelled. "Yeah, but I'm so consistently impulsive and insane that it's utterly unreasonable to expect me to have been able to restrain myself!" Naruto pointed out. "Ah, well that's certainly true. Sorry, Naruto." Then an alarm went off because Sakura apologized to Naruto when she was wrong about something, and a ninja doctor came out to make sure it was really Sakura and that she wasn't sick, so the ninja doctor walloped her on the head to make sure she was really Sakura and not a mighty demon mole and walloped her on the head to make sure she wasn't sick.

"Hm…" said the doctor, "I'm afraid you have demon mole rabies and a cold and the flu and aids." So the ninja doctor walloped her on the head four more times to cure her of all those things. Then he did the ninja doctor dance because he was a ninja doctor. It's just a jump to the left and a step to the right. (Author's note: wait, that's the time warp… LOL!)

"Wait, where did sakura get aids?" asked naruto.

"Best not to dwell on that, so as to avoid sakura bashing. This fic is already getting closer to that than was originally intended, it's just hard to not bash sakura since she's a horrible bitch to Naruto until after the time skip and even then she's still kind of bitchy to him sometimes, and she's kind of a useless character at the start of the show." replied the ninja doctor, causing everyone to back away slowly as it became clear that the ninja doctor was insane.

"Alright, so how are we going to rescue Sasuke?" Asked Naruto, and then Sakura threw him into a wall for asking a perfectly reasonable question.

"I'm trying to figure that out now shut up Naruto! You're an annoying idiot who should have been taken instead of Sasuke and I hate you!"

"See? Bitchy," said the ninja doctor, "She does this kind of thing in the show, and people don't need to be taught that it's okay to just throw people into walls for annoying them slightly. It's completely unreasonable, why if sakura existed in real life she'd be in prison learning why we shouldn't be so violent through empirical observation! Hooray for prisons! Boo for retarded morons that respond with horrible violence to minor social annoyances! Like sakura! Wait, this did get derailed into Sakura bashing, didn't it? Damn it! Okay, ending this first chapter now!"

"Why is our ninja doctor completely insane?!" Sakura demanded.

"I have been checked for insanity, dear girl, I have Supper Sanity, not insanity. And I said the chapter is OVER!" The ninja doctor replied.

To be continued.


	2. Chapter 2

Hi everyone, time for chapter 2! But first, I want to note I got a review. Now normally I'd of course respond with a pm, but he was a big smelly cowardy dude and din't leave an email. His screen name was guest, which, what kind of dumb screen name is guest anyway? And his review just said "DON'T EVEN TRY TO WRITE MORE" and I think we all know why that would be. Obviously he's jealous of my writing talent, and was attempting to make a death threat. While I do not cave in to those who threaten me, I sympathize with his feelings. It's okay guest, for while you will never be as good as me, if you work super extra special hard you might one day become competent. Oh and I also wanted to say thank you thank you so much for the review. Reviews kick ass. Can I have a duck? Okay that's all I needed to say so here's the fic.

Disclaimer: Don't own Naruto. Not the series. Not the ninja. I kind of wish I owned the ninja, having a pet ninja would be cool!

Sasuke was underground, far far beneath the ground. Under it. The ground. Which made it really dark. And all the darkness made it really dark down here. Underground that is. Now obviously this would make it difficult to see things, but the thing is, Sasuke has strawberry shortcake eyes. So with his mighty sharingan eyes he saw in the dark and read all the mighty demon moles' lips when they talked since the mighty demon moles had earmuffed him, but when he learned of their evil plans this way he was horriterrified! For the mighty demon moles were plotting to blow up the earth! There was something they needed, but sasuke couldn't hear what it was. however one thing was for sure.

He had to help them blow up the earth.

It was so simple. He wasn't strong enough to kill Itachi correctly, but if he blew up the earth everyone would die, including Itachi. Why hadn't he thought of this before, it was so obvious. So Sasuke broke free of the chains that bound him to the wall and started kicking all the mighty demon mole's asses and when he got finished kicking their asses he was like "I want to help you blow up the earth." And they were all "Yay! We have a new friend!" and Kakashi heard what sasuke said with his sharingan eye and was like "NNNNNNNNUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU! Sasuke has betrayed us!"

But the mighty demon moles and sasuke didn't hear him because they were too busy doing the new friend dance. So instead kakashi came up with a new secret elaborate plan.

Meanwhile.

Jiraiya was hopping around in a toad henge to look up the skirts of pretty women so he could later write about what a bunch of pretty women looked like under their skirts, when suddenly he sensed something horrible and terrible and bad and awful. Almost as if someone broke the seal sealing away the mighty demon moles. Gasp! Oh no. suddenly he transformed back and started trying to run off but the woman whose skirt he was just looking up got mad and punched him so hard he flew over the moon! And when he landed he had to go to the ninja hospital. So the ninja doctor walloped him on the head and all his broken bones stopped being broken.

"And sakura's still a bitch," said the ninja doctor.

"Yeah I know she is," said Jiraiya, "What does that have to do with anything?"

"Darn it, I can't help the darn skaura bashing. Hug me!" said the ninja doctor. And jiraiya hugged him and the ninja doctor cried into his chest for a while and then they started gay sexing for a while and they found they really enjoyed gay sexing but unfortunately jiraiya had to kill the ninja doctor after that cause it would be bad if anyone thought that he wasn't straight. Jiraiya had an image to keep up and the ninja doctor was a potential image ruiny person man. What Jiraiya didn't know was the ninja doctor was actually a shadow clone of the ninja doctor, and it pretended to be dead until jiraiya elft and then smoke puffed away.

To be continued(haha cliffhanger.)


End file.
